Throwing in the Towel

This is a post I never thought I would write.  After trying to get Kennedy to transition back to breastfeeding, I just don't see it happening.  I didn't expect it to happen over night, but it seems to be getting worse and worse.  She literally screams, kicks her feet and her arms are flying every which way.  She has ZERO interest in breastfeeding.  I have tried and tried.  I've done everything I can think of and have even brought back my postpartum doula, Angie, to help.  I've contacted a lactation consultant from 1400 miles away, who specializes in children with special needs.  We're all out of ideas.

This is so hard for me.  I always planned on breastfeeding.  I know that she's getting my milk, and that's ultimately what is most important.  But there are so many other benefits to the actual act of breastfeeding, especially for a baby with Down syndrome.  But I can't force her.  In talking with someone today, I realized that I just need to be happy that we have gotten as far as we have.  I was fortunate to have an amazing natural childbirth, I was fortunate to be able to breastfeed at least part of the time for the first 3 months, I'm fortunate to have a very generous milk supply.  Most of all, I'm fortunate to have such an amazing and strong baby girl who has overcome so many struggles.  I never in a million years thought I would see myself saying this, but really....in the grand scheme of things, breastfeeding isn't such a big deal.  Kennedy and I have a great bond.  She's still getting my milk.  As much as pumping it a real pain in the butt, it's not the end of the world.  I'm already 5 months into it, and I have 3 months worth of milk frozen.  Unfortunately that also means that my deep freezer is full.  I have absolutely no idea what we're going to do now.  We cannot possibly buy another deep freezer.  We just bought the first one in May.  (So if anyone is local and happens to know of someone selling a deep freezer, please let me know.  I'm not sure that I trust Craigslist.) 

With that said, I'm officially throwing in the towel.  I'm not usually one to give up.  I definitely don't give up with out a fight.  But Kennedy has been through so much in 5 short months.  If she wants a bottle, it's not the end of the world.  I want her to get breast milk for at least one year.  In a few months, I'll be able to stop pumping, or at least significantly reduce how often I pump, and still have enough frozen milk to get her to her first birthday, at least.  Most importantly I have a happy and healthy baby.  Does this photo say otherwise?