Her personality has really started to come through and she shows us something new every day. I adore the big smiles and bright blue eyes....even at 4am. I love seeing her kick her feet and wiggle around to the beat of the music on her toys. It's even cute when she fights us over having a bottle. She has learned to push it away, and plays games with the nipple when we put it in her mouth.
Being almost two months old also means that we are at the halfway mark to when surgery *may* be. They told us they plan to do it at 4-6 months of age, and they prefer earlier rather than later. It really hit me today, and the idea of it terrifies me, more than anything. But at the same time, I want to get it over and done with. I feel like we have a whole new personality waiting for us, once the "black cloud" I've come to know as surgery, has passed. I'm ready to live "life as we know it." I long for the days where I'm not obsessing over her weight gain and when I can *hopefully* go back to breastfeeding all the time, instead of living attached to my pump. It terrifies me, but I'm ready to have the black cloud lifted. It has to be done, sooner or later. I just want it behind us, and I know my husband feels the same way.
Speaking of her weight, I've tried to become a little less obsessive this week. It was consuming me. I was getting frustrated, and I'm sure Kennedy was too. There is only so much you can force feed a baby. If she doesn't want to eat, she's not going to eat. No amount of oil (or formula) is going to help if she's not going to drink it anyway. And I only weighed her once last week. There wasn't a single day that she ate the full 24 ounces, but hopefully she's still gaining a decent amount of weight. Will I regret this new laid back approach? Probably. I already have that feeling of anxiety over Tuesday's upcoming cardiology appointment. I suspect that it will be back to obsessing then. But it was good to have a break. To really enjoy being a mom, and to enjoy all the little things, with out analyzing every milliliter of milk that she is (or isn't) drinking.
And with that, I'm off to sleep. I'll leave you with a few of Kennedy's MANY faces.
